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How To Kill Your Cat

How To Kill Your Cat
HPD
  • On January 25, 2014

First of all, I grew up in North Dakota and back in the day if you decided you didn’t want your cat or dog anymore, you killed your cat or dog. It wasn’t a big deal. You did it quick and humanely. (Although I have never personally killed a pet.) Being “put to sleep” is no more humane and, in my view, probably less humane than a quick unexpected blast from a shotgun.

I’ve loved a lot of pets in my day but I hate my cat. It’s fair, though, because my cat hates me. I think it’s fair to say we’ve always hated each other. You see, we got him first (Case is his name) and we instantly didn’t hit it off. So we got one of his brothers, too, whose name was Q. Q was an awesome cat. I loved that cat. I would have died for that cat. But having Q around did not loosen Case up. He pretty much hates all people. Oddly (or not) my dog Stella is apparently the only creature on earth that Case doesn’t hate.

I have never harmed this cat. I have tried to be friends. It hasn’t worked out. The feeling is mutual and we’re both OK with it.

But lately I have been trying to think of the best way to kill my cat, if I was to kill my cat. It must be legal for me to kill my cat, right? Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. Let me know if you have others to add.

Drive it out to the country and shoot it.
Drive it out to the country and leave him there.
Bring it to the vet for a shot in a sterile room.
Put it in a 5-gallon bucket with a tight lid and let him suffocate.
Fill the bucket in #4 above with water.
For #1, my cat would be freaking out (not in its normal environment) so I’d have to put it in a cardboard box and then just shoot the box a few times. But if I’m gonna drive to the country, I may as well give him a chance to live off the land (#2). I personally think #3 is really lame. If I had to kill my cat at home I think I’d put catnip in a bucket and try get him in there and all fucked up and then I’d put the lid on real tight and let him go to sleep (#4).

What do you think?

I’M KIDDING!

(or am I…?)

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