Make this my home page
More buttons
Best of the Day
Page
The Break on Palestine- by David Bromwich

Video
Eric Dishman: Take health care off the mainframe
Blog
Why Sweden is not the greatest F#^king country on Earth- by Oliver Burton
Game
Runaway: A Twist of Fate Trailer
Art
Gorillaz + Bruce Willis = Stylo
Cool tools
Hot links

Super Mario Flash Game Restyled for Obama

Dadaist deconstruction of new media, as a flash game.
Everything you need to know about microscopic water bears
News for nerds
For lovers of the Green Fairy
Stories and art from Australia's Yolgnu people
Australia's best science fiction author
Did the earth just move?
Don't discount journalism
Novelist and comic book legend's homepage
Museum of science fiction, utopia and extraordinary journeys
Developing tech to get the internet to its full potential
Free Culture, Open Government, Liberty
Online Buddhist meditation
Reducing harm from drug use
'Return to Mysterious Island' or Preferably Don't

'Return to Mysterious Island' or Preferably Don't

I was walking past my mountains of animal porn and used lubricant yesterday when i redisovered a video game I thought had long gone to garbage bin heaven. That game is called "Return to Mysterious Island". 

So bad is this crock of shit that words cannot adequately describe its shittiness, the closest i could come to was that it was the video game equivalent of AIDS. But even that might be too kind.

Anyway, what do you need to know about this game?

Well it must have been designed by crack whores seconds away from starvation. I imagine them covered in semen, gazing up at a mysterious handicapped financier who wrote them a cheque for $6 in between the gagging. I imagine he told them he'd pay them $3 more if they could give him a game that infected the world with stupid so everyone would be retarded like him.

I imagine them crying, deciding to accept the deal (because one of them had a disabled brother) and then taking the money to McDonald's to buy two 30c ice-creams.

From inside sources I'm told they then spent the remaining $5.70 on a bottle of wine, a condom, and a lottery ticket.

One of the women (let's call her Crack Whore 1 for convenience) then felt guilty, she'd stolen from a cripple. As she wept her body ached, she'd been on so much crack she'd been constipated for days.

Like lightning she was forced to run to the hole in her apartment that she used as a toilet. She squated, and slipped and ended up covered head to foot in her and her friend's shit.    

There she stayed, passed out, when suddenly she was awoken by the mysterious cripple who was scraping the layers of dried shit from her hair and breasts. He was collecting it in a little basket while laughing maniacally.

"What, What's going on?" she asked

"You did it, You did it!!" He screamed back.

She didn't understand, but it turned out the cripple was a wizard, he had needed that exact combination of shit, semen and crack to combine in one unholy potion to create the worst game in human history.

Then suddenly a blinding blue light appeared, and the game 'Mysterious Island' was formed with the sound of dieing virgins echoing in the background.

'It's finished' he screamed.

He then spun around and disappeared. Not a site of him was seen again. Unfortunately his game spread like genital warts until all over the world it went, all the way into the hands of my lobotimised Auntie. She said it sounded like fun, but she thought the Rwandan Massacres were fun so I wasn't overly convinced.

I punched my Auntie, then threw the game in my attic, where it would sit unplayed and impotent. I had beaten the beast.

Don't resurrect this mouthpiece of Satan to prove I'm right. It's shit and if you play it, you too are shit.

View the pageGo back to previous pageLeave some feedbackPrint this pageEmail link to friendsBookmark in del.icio.usAdd to Stumble ThisAdd to your favourite bookmarksDigg this article

Tags

 

Related Stories

   
Next
As mentioned on HPD last Saturday, there will be a strike at UNSW today by the NTEU.

The strike is centred around expired Enterprise Agreements that the Management are refusing to resign leading to negotiations having stalled.

Unfortunately, the power of this strike seems limited.

Around campus most students are either: going to come to class because their lecturers said they were coming, treating it as a holiday, or completely ignorant of why the NTEU is striking.

The problem is high-lighted when we consider that for most people a strike seems like an inconveniance.

A not all together unpredictable state of affairs, but one that shows the gulf that has grown between students and staff and the work that may need to be done to bridge it.

 

 

Find out about our Widget

Feedback

4 mar

The HomepageDAILY community likes to co-create both content and process. What are you thinking right now about what we do and how we do it? Tell us about the news, videos and stories and anything else you see on HPD. What you like, what you don't like, what you'd like to see in future. Recommend a website, video or article; send us pix, new stories - share it with us and by so doing you are giving us permission to share it with the world.

Leave Feedback here

*********************************

Why has homepage started running so many nameless 100 word eds? Names are good for intellectual continuity, honesty and non-hypocrisy. - Terry McGee

*********************************

Re: Bale de Rua

We thought the Bale de Rua was aweful. Choreography was terrible - set design, music and costumes were lacklustre. The dancers however were very athletic and graceful. - Jules

*********************************

Re: In Praise of Mediocrity

I just wonder who decides if what ever you chose to do in life, is mediocre or not. Sounds like with standards like yours, this article with its poor structure and soap box appeal may also be considered by many as, in-fact, mediocre. - Khedra

*********************************

Re: The Assassins of Langley

Yes, Mr. Neville. Odious, heinous assassins sold body and soul to Luciferian entities who pull the strings (the last of them, I want to believe) from the shadows. Philip Aggeee and John Stockwell portrayed them quite well. They are NOT heroes, nor are the gangbangers of East Los Angeles who spray grafitti in Iraq, where they most certainly train for urban warfare on our streets. Good riddance to them all!

*********************************

Re: Hairy Legs: A Study of Female Art, Feminism and Femininity

 Looking forward to more of her articles. Hope she does plenty of Art Theory at SCA. Barbara Kruger and Judy Chicago are certainly powerful artists and it would be interesting to see what they are doing now.

*********************************

A hero's welcome for the famous Iraqi shoe thrower

Terrorist! Please do your research first before writing such dangerous things, we was insulting Bush by throwing the shoe as he was disgraced with him, not trying to topple the largest super power in the world by throwing a shoe. I cant believe you have put those words up. Ashamed

*********************************

Re: How to Report the News

Having worked as a TV news reporter I found Charlie's piece very amusing - some of us have long believed reporting like this is a rubbish way to do things! But even if a journalist wants to tell stories in a more authentic and engaging way, the constraints of the so-called "house style" in many news organisations make it difficult to achieve. What's needed is a massive culture shift and a complete re-think of what we understand quality broadcast news reporting is. And guess what? That's exactly what's happening, though you'd never believe it from what we're still mostly seeing on TV. Anyway, the new digital technologies, and shake up of "old school/old mainstream" journalism means new platforms and styles of "news" storytelling can now emerge. Let's hope fresh and appropriate ways of funding appear too, so we can kill off this dreadful formulaic reporting and delivery, and clear the way for more natural and interesting ways to treat stories and content.

Much love, Ian Aspin.
www.twitter.com/ianaspin

*********************************

Re: Pushing 60 With Pot

You're pushing 60, well I'm pushing 70 and still having to scrounge around for my pot. It's tragic that when I first came to Australia it was $30 an ounce, and now I have to pay nearly $350 - Peter

 *********************************

Re: Textbook publishers dream of the tablet

Why can't this just be a program for PC and Windows? Why do they have to make us buy more hardware that's just going to disappoint? - Tyler J. Wilson

*********************************

Re: Killing Indian Students: Australia's Favourite New Sport!- by Sean Maguire

How about the indian guy who slashed his wife's throat, is still australia to blame for?..may be , for accenpting them to move over!I am an immigrant myself but I love this country, there is no perfect place on Earth but australia is one of the best! - Michael

*********************************
 
 
This entire fiasco is an incredible over reaction. Australia is an easy target. Why? because we are honest, transperant and we talk about our failings. Is there aggression and iolence in Australia? Sure, like any country. But we face it head on and we work to eliminate it. What about the stories of the 100’s of thousands of Indian workers who are treated as slaves in the middle east and nobody says anything? What about the fact that India still has entrenched pedophilia in terms of child brides? What about the crushing poverty embraced by more than 60% of the Indian people while this nation runs around building nuclear warheads? A storm in a teacup, an over reaction, and a diversion from some the really bad issues facing India. What is really happening here is that students are being unnecessarily frightened. meaning they will miss out on what could be the opportunity of their lifetime. - Daryl
 
*********************************
 
 
I couldn't agree with Sean Maguire's article more on the recent Indian attacks. For all those who like the pretend the attacks are merely based on coincidence, try to imagine how we would react if the boot were on the other foot and an uncharacteristic number of Australia's had been murdered in India. Would you push for a travel ban? Would you be scared for your children in a seemingly hostile environment so many miles away?  - Kara Jensen-Mackinnon

*********************************
 
12 sep
10 aug
More feedback...
© 2007-2008 homePageDAILY - All rights reserved * Terms of Use * Privacy Policy * Advertising Information * Media Kit * Contact Us