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Extremely Bad Advice: Future Talk

Extremely Bad Advice: Future Talk

Do you ever recive good advice but then never follow it? You should try Extremely Bad Advice - advice so terrible you'll be thrilled you ignored it.

Dear Steve: I'm a college student living in the U.S., which is now mired in a steadily worsening recession punctuated by bank failures. How should I prepare for the economic depression that lies ahead?


STEP ONE

A proper education is an investment in your future. Sadly, investments are now useless so you should sell off your degree as soon as you receive it. I know you probably think you'll need it for "jobs," but jobs as we know it will cease to exist in the near future. So sell, sell, sell! Let's say you started school in 2005. Given average tuition increases, by the time you graduate in 2009, you'll have spent $24,379, while somebody looking to enter the same program the following year will spend $31,957. So, selling your credentials to them at $30K will give you a nice tidy profit and save that person time and money!

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STEP TWO

Obviously you need to get your money out of the bank as soon as possible. But where to put it? You can't stuff it all down the front of your pants (I've tried). I suggest sealing it all into various cans of tinned meat and stocking it away in your basement. Let time erase this fact from your mind, and when the end days are here and you're scrounging for the last thing you'd ever eat, you'll be pleasantly surprised to open your can of SPEEFTM and discover cold, meaty cash! If you still have a door, open it and head out into the world with your trusty shotgun, "Daisy," and head to the 7-Eleven, stat!

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STEP THREE
Do yourself a favour and marry rich. Don't fall for these sappy notions of true love and soulmates, because as soon as the bomb drops in 2012, your "loved one" will trade you to the Slayer Gang for a can of SPEEFTM, guaranteed. Trust me, buddy, I'm constantly re-evaluating the resale value of my girlfriend for just that day. Failing that, if you're a man, become a homosexual and marry a dude. Sadly, men have more earning potential due to sexism in the workforce, so you'd do well to double your manly earning potential. If you're a lady, become a man (this may happen naturally over time when the radiation mutates us all).

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STEP FOUR

If you're looking for job security and don't have the upper body strength to wrest control of Bartertown from Master Blaster and Aunty Entity, you should consider a career in information graphics. As financial markets fall apart in times of turmoil, everyone needs the desperate situation spelled out for them with pie charts and fever lines! And, with the upcoming increase in the illiteracy rate, news told in picture form will be more needed than ever. But don't even think of taking my job away from me! I will claw you to death in the arena while screaming to our Old Gods, who looked over us in the days before the charred Earth.

Email Steve "Crazy Max" Murray for more bad advice. He's not an economist, but he is a dismal scientist.

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So, I read today that the designer of Mattel's Barbie doll was obsessed with sex. Seriously? We need a book-length study to tell us that?

We in the land of feminist academics have been teaching the pernicious sexual politics of Barbie for years. The breasts that defy gravity, the hair, the long, long legs and of course the cruel, nipped in waist. Oh, don't forget the tiny clothes, the f*ck-me pumps, not to mention the well-equipped kitchens in every Barbie Dream House. The message of Barbie seems unambiguous to me.

Still, many students (and not a few colleagues) consistently resist seeing Barbie as a miniature sex toy, claiming instead that the doll was a good role model for little girls. (One could, after all, purchase a Barbie doll dressed as a doctor.) Or claiming, equally untenably, that toys had no impact on their ideas about gender roles or their own sexuality.

These students, mostly women, want to rescue Barbie, to protect their own childhoods from academic interrogations of pop culture and what those interrogations might reveal. That's understandable. Yet, many of these same students sit in my class pouring out of tank tops, squeezed into low-rise jeans, or tugging on mini-skirts so short they are nearly impossible to sit down in. That is, dressed like Barbie.

It's an experience I regularly have as a feminist critic of popular culture: a media event, book or news story demonstrates that I'm not wrong, my ideology is not based in "over analyzing," "hyper sensitivity," or "reading too much into things" (the three most common criticisms feminists tend to encounter). It's disappointing, frankly, to stumble so often upon evidence of society's sexism and to keep having to explain that it's there. Disappointing that Barbie was so obviously a sexed-up, misogynist, bad idea for little girls and to realize how thoroughly our culture embraced the toy anyway.

So, here we are again. Feminists were right: no one but a sex-obsessed man with a perverse idea of female anatomy would create a female toy like Barbie. And, as is too too often the case for feminists, being right isn't something to celebrate.

Dr. Bean is an Associate Professor of English at Marshall University, specializing in Gender Studies, Film and Drama. She is the author of "Post-Backlash Feminism: Women and the Media Since Reagan/Bush" (McFarland & Co. 2007). She hosts a blog on mid-life and feminism at kelliebean.com.