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Car Grieving

Most of us have done it. Weeping, crying, emoting in the car. While this is an intensely private occasion, it is much more widespread than we had assumed. And now it has a name: car grieving. Psychotherapist RENATE OGILVIE explains the phenomenon.

Such is the isolation of modern man and woman that our car is now the best place for allowing our most profound and shaking emotions to express themselves.

Sociology has recently turn its jaded eye on the phenomenon of our behaviour in the car, and a brilliant new book - Traffic by Tom Vanderbilt - has just been published on what we do behind the wheel of a car which has become an instant  bestseller in the States. This is not a big surprise for a country dominated by the motor vehicle, but this is not the predictable study of roads and traffic patterns one expects.

Tom Vanderbilt's look at our behaviour when driving has many intriguing details despite the apparent dryness of the topic. For example: new cars crash more often than old ones; the safer we feel the worse we drive; removing all road safety features like signs and railing actually improves driver behaviour and therefore safety.

Traffic is a study of human behaviour under unique circumstances - isolation yet constant interaction, aggression combined with trust and cooperation, reduction of communication to signs and gestures, frustration, fear and rage without direct human contact.

But the most intriguing of all is the phenomenon of grieving while driving. Ask around and you will find that practically everybody has done it. Car grieving is fast becoming an important and unique aspect of modern life, where self-regulation of behaviour and self-soothing is increasingly a problem.

Some weep while they drive along and allow the veil of tears to blur the road. Others howl in deserted car parks, cry in the arms of friends or lovers, or sob along with favourite songs.

We are only watched by researchers' cameras, or by fellow drivers stopped at traffic lights who might catch a brief glimpse, not long enough to cause us social embarrassment. In our car we feel shielded from The Gaze of the Other, once described by Jean-Paul Sartre as the cause of all neurotic suffering.

The car is a kind of womb, privacy, refuge and an extension of our home. Mercedes Benz drivers were once told this in a memorable advert, which included the suggestion to play Mozart for the complete scenario. And who would not find it easy to shed tears while listening to the andante of the Master‘s piano concerto No 21, K467.

We are increasingly cocooned in solipsistic technology - iPods, car interiors, the parallel reality of Second Life, chat rooms and text messages. Car grieving is only logical. It feels less catastrophic than weeping in our sitting rooms yet strangely dramatic and real, somehow more appropriate to the suffering we feel than the familiar surroundings of our home.

There is something romantic about crying in a car as we speed through a perceived normalcy where other people are happily pursuing their daily tasks. However, they too maybe suffering. In fact, we may be passing other vehicles of grief where unbeknownst to us a fellow weeper is wrestling with tears.

Now that sociology has given us the label and with it the definition of the phenomenon, we might begin to exchange stories of grieving in cars, a modern take on our age-old yearning for a private cave when everything is just too much.

 [Traffic by Tom Vanderbilt, Allen Lane 2008]

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Shministim. A new word, not a very new concept.

We, high-school graduate teens, declare that we shall work against the Israeli occupation and oppression policy in the occupied territories and the territories of Israel. Therefore we will refuse to take part of these actions, which are being done under our name as part of the IDF.

Our refusal comes first and foremost as a protest on the separation, control, oppression and killing policy held by the state of Israel in the occupied territories, as we understand that this oppression, killing and routing of hatred will never lead us to peace, and they are all contradictory to the basic values a society that pretends to be democratic should have.

All the members of this group believe in developing the value of social work. We are not refusing to serve the society we live in, but are protesting against the occupation and the ways of actions which the militaristic system holds as it is today- crushing civil rights, discriminating on a racial base and acting opposing international laws.

We oppose the actions taken in the name of the "defense" of the Israeli society (Checkpoints, targeted killing, apartheid roads-available for Jews only, curfews etc.) that serve the occupation and exploitation policy , annex more conquered territories to the State of Israel and tramples the rights of the Palestinian population in an aggressive manner. These actions serve as a band-aid covering a bleeding wound, and as a limited and temporary solution that will accelerate and aggravate the conflict further.

We expostulate the plundering and the theft of territories and source of income to the Palestinians in exchange to the expansion of the settlements, reasoning to defend Israeli territories. In addition, we oppose any transformation of Palestinian cities and villages to ghettos without minimal living conditions or income sources enclosed by the separation wall.

We also protest the humiliating and disrespectful behavior of the military forces towards Palestinians in the West Bank; violence towards demonstrators, public humiliations, arrests, destruction of property regardless to any safety or defense needs, all of which violate global human rights and international law.

The wall and blockades surround the Palestinian Territories and serve as a halter around the Palestinian's neck. The soldiers who commit crimes under the patronage and protection of their commanders reflect the image of the Israeli society; a destructive and surprising society that is incapable of accepting its neighboring nation as a partner and not as an enemy.

In order to hold an effective dialogue between the two societies, we, the well-established and stronger society, have the responsibility of establishing and strengthening the other. Only with a more socially and financially established partner could we work towards peace rather than one-sided retaliation acts. Rather than supporting those citizens who have hope for peace, the military cast sanctions and pushes more and more people towards acts of extreme violence and escalation.

We hereby challenge every citizen who wonders if the military's policy in the occupied territories is conducive to the progression of the peace process, to discover by himself/ herself the truth and to lift the veil which distorts the reality of the situation; to verify statistical data; to look for the humane side in him/her and in the society which stands in front of him/her, to disprove the myths that were routed within us regarding the necessity of the IDF's in the Palestinian Occupied Territories, and to stand up against every action which he finds irrational and illegal.

In a place were there are humans, there is someone to talk to. Therefore, we ask to create a dialogue that goes beyond the power struggle, the retaliation and one-sided attrition actions; to disprove the "No Partner" myth, which is leading to a lose-lose situation of an ongoing frustration, and to move to more humane methods.

We cannot hurt in the name of defense or imprison in the name of freedom; therefore we cannot be moral and serve the occupation.

Signed
Members of the Shministim Letter 2008.