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Pornstar PhD Party

ROBBIE SWAN is a lobbyist for Australia’s adult retail industry. A spin-doctor for spoof. A hack for the hung. He pushes pussy around the halls of parliament and talks turkey slaps on a regular basis. And of course, meets a few erotic actrines as part of the job – the big surprise being their high level of education.

 

100_5872[1]When one of my clients recently suggested that I throw a dinner party for a visiting smooch of U.S. porn stars, I naturally expected that I would meet the latest and greatest in that long and venerable line of the great unzipped. How wrong I was. They were not divas at all. They were PhDs!

Bobbi Star was first through the door. Like many young actresses entering this industry she was brought up in an evangelical household. (Belladonna was raised a Mormon!). At 24 she has a music degree and plays oboe, clarinet and piano with a particular fondness for baroque music. Cute as a button and sharp as a tack, she represents the new crop of Generation Y porn stars who seem to reject the diva image in favour of a more tribal thing.

Next in was Roxy Jezel. At 25 she has a degree in Philosophy and Ethics. She’s the sort of porn star that hardline feminists like Sheila Jeffries and Andrea Dworkin just love to hate. Try telling her she’s being ‘used’ or that what she does is immoral and you’ll get a half hour dissertation on Kant with cunt.

100_5889[1]Next, the star of Debbie Does Dallas… Again. The diminutive Monique Alexander. Although she hasn’t got a degree, Monique can hold her own with the best of them. Recently she took part in a very academic debate at Yale University as part of ABC News Nightline’s Face Off program. Hosted and moderated by the urbane Martin Basheer, Monique debated the positive aspects of a career in porn against a moral onslaught from Pastor Craig Gross from the XXX Church. Monique did him like a dinner. Back at the party, she confided to me that she eschews relationships so she can get on with her career but she also dreams of having children, post porno.

Last one in is Jay Grdina. Jay is a former student of business and psychology was formerly married to the world’s most famous porn star, Jenna Jameson, Jay has just sold Club Jenna to Playboy for a cool $35million as part of their divorce settlement. He’s the only millionaire in the world with a Mohawk. Well he’s the only one I know anyway... Jay is the most engaging male porno producer I’ve ever met with a genuine warmth and interest in the other people around him. At last, a big dick with a small ego!

The minders from Calvista who are hosting our guests are also in and so is Roxy’s mum! Say what? Yep, Roxy’s mum has come all the way from the UK to join the Magical Clitory Tour. She’s like a kind of spiritual advisor to the group who doesn’t say much but when she does they’re like pearls of wisdom from the streets. At first she was a bit apprehensive of her daughter’s lower chakra/higher education choices but like the mums of many porn star daughters, she finally got the hang of it to the extent that she’d go on tour.

With the introductions over my partner Fiona, sits us all down. I’m a vegetarian so I’ve cooked up a tofu curry but Fiona is worried that porn stars have to have meat or their working parts won’t function properly. So she’s done the Aussie rack of lamb. I ask Bobbi about her music and she stuns me with the fact that she has played in a symphony orchestra. I wonder if the bassoonist or the string section has seen her performances in Romancing the Ass or Butt Junkies #2.

By way of association, Fiona mentions the fact that the world’s most famous male porn star, Ron (the Hedgehog) Jeremy, is a concert pianist as well and that he played for her in the foyer of a ritzy hotel in LA a few years ago. Bobbi is unaware of Ron’s musical talent. She’s also unaware of his other professional talents like his nine-inch penis. Fiona continues that Ron took her to see a James Taylor concert and when the concert was over he took her backstage to meet James. Not being musically minded she recalled anonymous but clearly famous pop stars falling over themselves to meet Ron and was astounded at how far his celebrity extended. I tell Bobbi that Ron was a carer for autistic kids before he became a porn star, which again has her lost for words.

None of the girls are big into meat it turns out and so Fiona’s lamb is not the hit that Sam Kekovic promises. My curried tofu goes down well with the girls and all of them it seems have major concerns for animal welfare. What is it about female porn stars that so many of them are card-carrying members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and the Humane Society? Monique’s MySpace site quotes her as saying, “Save all the puppies from evil people”. A lot more sensible than the Christian’s clarion call of “God kills a kitten every time you masturbate”.

Jenna Jameson has just announced she’s joining forces with PETA to promote less, rather than more skin... well, fur skin anyway. She’s championing the use of a synthetic leather called ‘Pleather’ and now features on a PETA promo poster looking very retro vamp and encouraging people to ‘pleather yourself’. Although the ad sounds and looks like Ita Buttrose meets Betty Pages, Jenna claims her conversion is very real. "It's okay to be an animal in bed but not at the expense of real animals. If I can show off the hot look of Pleather and convert a few leather lovers, then mission accomplished." Well, can’t really argue with that.

As we line up for a final photo I cast a knowing glance up at the cast. This is perhaps the only industry that doesn’t have a casting couch. Perhaps that’s because its just one huge casting couch where what goes around, eventually comes around. I feel an epiphany coming on. The industry is as it is. I feel at one with it and as I bid our guests good bye, I ask Jay what he’ll do when he gets back to Arizona. He’ll visit his folks he says…and maybe go to Mass with them on Sunday. It’s a zen moment with a difference - the sound of one hand slapping.

Pictures: Body Politic

Top Pic - From Top Left: Fiona Patten, Eros CEO; Mr and Ms Robbie Barnes, Calvista; Roxy Jezel; Monique Alexander: Roxy's Mum; Kevin Muss from Antigua Pictures; Bobbi Star; Jay Grdina; Andrew Mugerwa, Calvista. Front Left: Author, Robbie Swan.

Second Pic - Bobbi Starr

Third Pic - Monique Alexander

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At a recent lecture given by long time subversive artists Gilbert and George, there was a fantastic point made which highlighted the absurdity of institutionalised religion and the anomalous status it's given in today's society.

They said something along the lines of....

"Imagine if a biscuit company was able to sell itself the way the church does. The biscuit company would probably be able to do a lot better if it was able to offer eternal life (in addition to biscuits) as a reward for your money"

Now the idea also works in reverse.

Imagine if there was a company that didn't pay tax, had little or no oversight from the state legal system, was found to be fingering children- had tried to hide it- their leader and the leader's brother were both implicated and they still refused to open themselves up to public scrutiny.

You probably wouldn't buy their biscuits would you.

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