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Music industry spot-welder ROGER ROGER breaks out the blow torch in the case for more robots in the music business.

The Sydney Youth Orchestra have engaged the services of a violin playing robot called RoboFiddler to augment their performances, apparently created by mechatronic students in Adelaide (I presume they all live in the MultiFunctionPolis). For those who have been waiting for the next revolution in the music business, surely this is it! There have been tentative robot music moves in the past; who could forget the Ray Charles robot that used to grace JoJos in Potts Point, or Kraftwerk putting robots of themselves on stage to do the show? True innovators that they were, they knew the answer to the industries problems was more robots at all levels.

Toyota have robots that can do “Singing in the Rain”, so if a Crazy Frog or a cartoon rabbit can have a hit, why not a dancing robot ? At least they can tour! Honda’s Asimo is visiting Australia, and as he can walk, talk and serve drinks, he’d make a great tour manager. Recall Dexter from Blind Date, plug in the Musiclab program that has the synthetic ability to pick a ‘hit’ and there’s your A&R guy. No hefty restaurant and travel bills, and just like current A&R people they won’t care less what the artist thinks of them. The top brass have been phoning it in for years, so fire the managers and hire the phones - they’ve got more features, they keep up to date, and they are better connected.

The music business is currently populated by people acting like robots, so why not go all the way and have robots acting like people? You can’t tell me Kate Miller Heidke isn’t a robot! She’s clearly got an artificial personality based on Cyndi Brady and Lene Lovich, but there are other robots like John Mayer who perform with all the personality and intensity of an ATM. We’ve lived without drummers being sentient beings for decades. My MP3 player is smarter and more reliable than Evan Dando, and my television has more to say than J Mascis. I have seen the future of music, and its animatronic.

Robots don’t care about reviews, or box office takings, or charts, or awards. If they have to sign their rights for the world and the universe, they’ll be cool with that as eventually they will be able to go there! If they have a hit, they won’t suddenly want to renegotiate their contract, or demand a bottle of Moet before they go on stage, and unlike musicians who need a dozen beers and a blow job to perform, robots just need a dozen gears and a lube job to get on with it.

There is of course, one very important consideration in the new Rudd administration - what will the unions think? Robots don’t need meal breaks, weekends, or maternity leave, or OH & S. Will the union argue, that like drum machines and DJs, they are doing people out of a job? Will they force the robots to join a robot union? Will they rage against the machines?

Unions aside, it’s clearly a recipe for a total overhaul of the music game. Radio stations and fan club relationships are already programmed by automation. The music business has lost is way, and its spirit is so dead you’ll need to call in John Edwards to have any further dialogue. Now when you think your MD or your agent is acting like a robot, its because he IS a robot, game over!

Metal is never be the same, ‘being screwed’ and being a ‘tool of the system’ will take on whole new meaning, everyone will want to be on Factory records, or Modular. A spanner in the works will be taken literally. WD 40 will be more important to the business than UB-40. Wire and AC/DC will be the most important robot bands, and the Things of Stone and Wood will be rightly consigned to the dustbin. The whole thing could be powered by a Van Der Graaf Generator and Carter finally really will be an Unstoppable Sex Machine!

Try it, its got to be better than the current human based system, and if doesn’t work out, you only need one program to resolve it all , and that is of course… Unplugged.

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At the beginning of the year it was reported around the world that Ireland had introduced laws against blasphemy- a seemingly bizarre reversal of the times as the country moved to becoming a more pluralistic society.

Yesterday it was announced that a referendum will be held on the laws, with the hope from securalists and the divisive group Athiest Ireland, that they'll be rescinded.

Don't hold your breath.

It wasn't too long ago that Ireland voted down the Lisbon Treaty because of fears of a loss of sovereignty on social issues- primarily regarding laws on marriage and abortion.

So on this St Patrick's Day let's say thanks to the man who brought catholocism to Ireland (and got rid of the snakes) and hope that one day the Irish will be able to say fuck you to the pope in peace.

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Re: Killing Indian Students: Australia's Favourite New Sport!- by Sean Maguire

How about the indian guy who slashed his wife's throat, is still australia to blame for?..may be , for accenpting them to move over!I am an immigrant myself but I love this country, there is no perfect place on Earth but australia is one of the best! - Michael

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This entire fiasco is an incredible over reaction. Australia is an easy target. Why? because we are honest, transperant and we talk about our failings. Is there aggression and iolence in Australia? Sure, like any country. But we face it head on and we work to eliminate it. What about the stories of the 100’s of thousands of Indian workers who are treated as slaves in the middle east and nobody says anything? What about the fact that India still has entrenched pedophilia in terms of child brides? What about the crushing poverty embraced by more than 60% of the Indian people while this nation runs around building nuclear warheads? A storm in a teacup, an over reaction, and a diversion from some the really bad issues facing India. What is really happening here is that students are being unnecessarily frightened. meaning they will miss out on what could be the opportunity of their lifetime. - Daryl
 
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I couldn't agree with Sean Maguire's article more on the recent Indian attacks. For all those who like the pretend the attacks are merely based on coincidence, try to imagine how we would react if the boot were on the other foot and an uncharacteristic number of Australia's had been murdered in India. Would you push for a travel ban? Would you be scared for your children in a seemingly hostile environment so many miles away?  - Kara Jensen-Mackinnon

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