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Why Aren't Women Funny?

What the hell is going on here? Why aren't women funny? RAQUEL WELCH and EMILY HUNT, creators of DUKE, a cool Sydney pop culture and art magazine, can easily name ten funny men off the top of their heads... but women? Good luck!

Seriously, it’s pathetic. These are the top five issues that women cry about:

  1. Menstruation: who wants to talk about this dirty habit? Not us!
  2. Motherhood: money waster!
  3. Boyfriends: We're not breaking new grounds here...
  4. Shopping addictions: so you own 200, 000 pairs of shoes huh? So what?
  5. Weight problems: The classic story.

Have these women been reading too many self-help books or what? The problem with female humour is that basically women haven’t thought of a fresh idea for the last 500 years and aside from a fistful of zany personalities, there’s almost zero to no true comedians - stand-up, television stars etc - who are women.

Women seem to find it difficult to be self-deprecating and absurd. They become too emotional and self-conscious and can’t seem to let go and have fun: which is what great comedy is all about – making total fools of yourselves. What are they scared of? Is it because of their sexuality, their need to always be flirting and giggling and giving in to the “man”? Well we can admit, we will only exclusively date very funny (Jewish) men... but do men want to date funny women? Probably not, but good luck trying to find one anyway!

These so-called female comedians overcompensate for their lack of hilarity, by trying to reach the same levels of aggression as the fat jerk on the amateur comedy circuit. Either that or they put-on the whiny shrill, like a stressed-out wench on heat. Awful! Just awful!

"Aye, so my boyfriend came home the other night from the footy with his mates. He was drunk as a skunk and proceeded to fix the sink… ha ha ha… It’s so typical… He’s like a penis with a man attached… hee haw…"

God have mercy! Please, will someone just shoot them with a lampoon, sorry we mean, harpoon? Better to do a cull now, than have them wasting valuable stand-up time.

Okay, okay. Enough already. So what is it that maketh good comedy? Well we’re not experts or anything, so how ‘bout we have a quick look at some highly acclaimed funny men who almost certainly graduated from the Laugh Academy with High Distinctions.

Jerry Seinfeld – Never before have we seen a man who’s so relaxed and confident. His charisma (and bonus good looks) are so radiant, he could be murdering your mother and still be making you laugh.

Shaun Micallef – An absurd fool if ever there was one. He doesn’t give a shit if you think he’s funny. Art for art’s sake, so to speak.

Dave Chappelle – A nigger with an attitude. He’ll just as easily pay out blacks as he would whites and spics and chinks… oops, can we say that? Is it funnier because he’s a man and black and therefore untouchable? Ho hum…

Sacha Baron Cohen – A man who’s not afraid to push people too far and suffer their wrath. The Baron creates offensive and stereotypical characters and pleads ignorance when faced with the laws of social etiquette and tradition, and we doubt there are any women out there who would go out on such a limb.

Of course, we can admit there are a few exceptions to this dried-up bunch of hags whose members include Judith Lucy, Magda Szubanski, the new “chick” on Rove, Roseanne Barr, Rosie O’Donnell – same woman?

We would like to nominate into this elite circle, the mean-spirited Jewess’ Sarah Silverman and Amy Sedaris, British ball-breakers Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley and the grand dames Lily Tomlin and Phyllis Diller. These comedienne’s really do know how to have a good time and keep the ribs tickling…

All that said, do a poo in someone’s face and see if they notice. Are we funny yet?

About the authors & DUKE Magazine:

DUKE magazine is an irreverent and absurdist pop culture, fashion, and art magazine created by two young Sydney artists, Raquel Welch and Emily Hunt. Launched in December 2006, this bi-annual publication has just unveiled Issue Three.

DUKE offers readers a Warhol-esque take on celebrity culture, thrift fashion and lifestyle, interviews with interesting characters, and even a sexy male centrefold!

DUKE Magazine says what others don’t dare. It is an offensive and entertaining journal, which delivers its message with biting humour and brutal honesty. It is a magazine with an opinion and fierce independent spirit.

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It's said that Russia's response to Georgia's attack on South Ossetia is disproportionate: we hear of "Western leaders anxiously watching for a withdrawal and puzzling over how to punish Moscow for what they called a disproportionate reaction to the Georgian offensive". No one has asked whether a disproportionate reaction or response is always wrong.

War, or an armed attack, can itself be a disproportionate response to some offense. If Britain, for example, declared war on Sweden for producing Abba, that would be disproportionate. It would also be wrong, because Abba isn't cause enough for initiating violence. Britain could at least ask for a large indemnity first. The Nuremberg tribunals placed aggression, a "crime against peace", ahead of war crimes. Perhaps this was meant to remind us that wars usher in far worse than war-fevered cheerleaders suppose, and are virtually always an immoral and disproportionate response to offences...

There is also a relationship between war as an immorally disproportionate response, or starting war for the wrong reasons, and all its consequences. When you start a war for the wrong reasons, you are responsible for all that follows, even the other side's atrocities. Though the other side is to blame for its crimes, so are you. You don't even have the right to kill in self-defense. If you are wrong to start a war, you don't suddenly fall into the right just because, contrary to your expectations, it's you, not the other guy, who has to defend himself.

War is not like self-defense in civilian life, when the response must be proportionate to the threat... The unacceptably disproportionate response was Georgia's in starting the war, not Russia's in finishing it. [More]

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Re: Take Your God and Shove Him

Thank you Pat Condell, you are a secular saint. My son does not attend the religion lesson at school and was told by one of the volunteers who come in to warp the kids' minds that she was "praying for him". I want to play her, and all those other interfering busybodies, this video. In fact it's so good I think I will transcribe it and pass the text around. My faveourite bit is the end: I'm not interested, I've heard it all before and I think it's all lies - insulting, degrading nonsense that contaminates everything it touches. Whenever I'm exposed to religion I feel dirty, I feel contaminated by the mealy-mouthed platitudes that pass as wisdom, the naked money-grubbing, the controlling rhetoric devoid of any humanity or compassion, the supercilious hectoring tone, the constant intrusive demands for privilege and the absolutely unforgivable violation of the minds of young children. Amen - Michelle

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Re: Experts Agree: Legalize Drugs - From Julian Critchley

Amen Julian Critchley. Legalize all drugs. People should have access to any molecule or compound they want. Gate Keepers for Big Pharma are costing end users a fortune. Retiring Police seniors inevitably say Legalization is the only way to take the money out of the criminal economy. Safe access through guaranteed qaulity control reduces street overdose/HIV infection. People have to have access to safe drugs on demand.

Personally I think the Olympics should be used for drug testing. The money sqaundered on the "games" and all the infrastructure around them would be better utilised in research and development. The bullshit about winners by one hundredth of a second is past a joke. Crowd control and propaganda for political posers and Patriotism "the last refuge of scoundrels". It's a farce - the athletes who do not want be used as lab rats should have drug free games which would be like the Para Olympics where the entrants display raw courage and drive with next to no support from the Public purse... Like Euthanasia, a doctor of your choice should be able to give you a legal release and advise you the best they know how about what drugs/course you wish to take. We are destroying doctors who really want to help individuals run their own lives with legal bullying by moralistic parasites who are terrified of the idea that they and all of us are responsible for our own lives - Anthony Innes

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Re: Is Australian General Jim Molan a War Criminal?

Thanks Gerry, I did click on the link you recommended to "find the dogs" and then I threw up. Jim Molan a war crim? Generals can't help themselves. Molan bombed hospitals, Georgia bombed hospitals in Osettia. The U.S. military hasn't even faced up to its criminal obliteration of Nagasaki. War crimes are what the baddies do - it's never us - Sherbert

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Re: Washington Comes to Mr Smith

Condi, is yet another of those on my list to post a poop to, with a note attached stating, "Take a look at yourself!" Cranky soul that I am - Dean

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Re: Scary Mary

Love it. I have always found Julie Andrews quite frightening - Sue

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